Dear Erin
by cmguysgirl
Summary: How does Rossi deal with the pain of Losing Strauss
1. Chapter 1

**Dear Erin**

Disclaimer: I don't own it, wish I did.

A/N. You know it's Strossi Centric. Please visit the Forum You Give Me Fever A Rossi-Strauss Forum. Just click this link

Feel free to post any Strossi related prompts,ideals, comments or challenges at the forum. Also feel free to take and use any of the prompts, ideals, comments or challenges in you own Strossi story.

David has really missing Erin Strauss since she perished at the hands of the Replicator, John Curtis. One of the suggestions he received on how to deal with his pain was to write down his feelings and the things he wants to say to her. He buys a nice leather bound journal and begins to write to her when the loneliness gets too bad and the cases are more than any human mind should have to process.

In time, he does start to feel better. He writes in the journal every day, usually at night but some days he picks it up several times as there are just somethings that if he still could, he would pick up the phone, call her real quickly just to tell her about. There had been quite a few of those days lately but luckily after the last few years, it had been mostly good things.

Each entry is in the form of a letter. A good deal of the letters, were for the most part very dark and desolate, containing things like the horror and disgust from his yearly visit, on his birthday, to the prison that housed Tommy Yates and the trek afterward to extinguish the hopes of another family who had been praying to find their missing loved one alive and inform them that the body of their loved one had finally been unearthed and tell them how sorry he was but he hoped that they now had closure.

Thankfully for his mental sanity, the good, positive entries far outweighed the unhappy, negative ones. A lot of that was due to his BAU family going out of their way to make sure he was alright. Hotch and JJ were determined to make sure he didn't sit in the house and pine away. They knew that there was one thing he couldn't say no to, their kids, and they used that against him.

Hotch volunteered as a Parent helper, extra chaperone or coach for as many of Jack's activities as he could possibly make it to. Of course when he did, he always seemed to end up talking his former mentor into volunteering right along with him. Everyone including jack was very understanding when they couldn't be there as they knew the deal, that sometimes cases came up and took them out of town for long periods of time. Surprisingly they were still happy to have them as more than a few times he heard Hotch being told, he made it to a lot more events than a lot of parents that worked nine to five jobs.

Wanting to keep an eye on him is probably why Hotch went on as many cases as he did at the time. He couldn't go on every case and keep up with the duties of filling in until they found a Replacement for the position of Section Chief, but even when he wasn't physically with them, everyone knew that he was just a phone call away.

Rossi couldn't figure out when the man slept: Between the traveling on cases, paper work from his job as Unit Chief, extra paper work of Section Chief, spending time with Jack and at his activities. He understood what Hotch was doing and made a mental note to talk to him about slowing down and to offer to help with the dreaded paperwork.

JJ was just as bad as Hotch, when it came to keeping him so caught up in activities that he had little time to be by himself, brooding. Henry was in the school play, the school chorus, he was playing violin at the kindergarten concert, he wanted all his aunts and uncles to go trick or treating with him and Jack this year, he had a school project on Italy, they were learning Spanish and he was having trouble with some phrases and since I spoke five languages including Spanish would I help him with his pronunciations, were the creative ways she came up with to keep him on the go- so he couldn't fall too deeply into depression.

Morgan and Reid got in on the act too, it seems they needed a lot more guy bonding time than usual.

Knowing she was almost as hard to say no to as the kids, his Kitten took full advantage of it and kept him accompanying her to this event or that one. She doubled up on her cooking lessons he had been giving her, had him vette all her dates before she went out with them as per their agreement years ago, but, before hand she had been a lot less cheerful about it. She just had to have him there for the first two nights of rehearsal for her latest play and the dress rehearsal the evening before opening night; These were just a few of the multitude of excuse she came up with to occupy him.

After each event, she would talk him into dinner or a movie. One weekend she even conned him into staying in DC for an Italian Film festival, telling him she was trying to learn the language by reading the Italian Subtitles included for the Hearing Impaired and needed a person who spoke the language fluently to tell her if they were accurate as she didn't want to waste time learning phrases that were incorrect.

He wrote about all of these events in his Journal. Each time he sat down to record his thoughts he thought about how much he missed the woman he loved. It really did help to write these letters to her, he thought, even though they would never be mailed.

With that thought in mind he sat down to start his next letter just as he started all the others, "Dear Erin,".

The end for now (but you know I don't like to really kill off characters so I have a feeling one year sometime in this Millenium or the next, I will be told the next part or two. Rossi keeps saying he wants to talk about some of the specific letters, but then he gets quiet and goes away. Maybe a case came up or he is sneaking off to spend time with Strauss in her secret location.

CMGUYSGIRL


	2. Dear Erin, Strange Fruit

**Dear Erin, Strange Fruit Has Always Left A Bitter Aftertaste**

Disclaimer: I have no financial claim on Criminal Minds. I wish I did as I could use the cash. I have no physical claim on any of the characters or actors, I won't talk about wishes with this one as that might change the rating of the fic.

A/N: This ideal came to me as soon as I finished watching the episode of CM entitled "Strange Fruit". I am sure Rossi lied to Morgan as he heard the past in his heard when he was in the bathroom and I believe looking in the mirror (I started and finished most of the fic that night but I couldn't figure out the end until today so I might be wrong on the mirror part, but I don't think so.) The scene didn't change my feelings about Rossi or make me think he was a racist. I felt he was just a scared little kid. It wasn't like he set out to bully the other kid or that he went along with it because his friends were doing it, he did it to save his own skin. I am sure most people would like to believe they would have refused to do it, have stood up against the other kids but truth is, if a person is a lot smaller than the bullies and/or they are greatly outnumbered, most people would have done the same as Rossi. In my humble opinion, Strange Fruit was one of the best episodes so far this season. The only one that might top it in my Opinion is Episod 'Final Shot' as I didn't see the plot twist coming and it was so realistic.

A/N2: These are marked as complete as they are one shots. I didn't really expect to ever really have a Part two or Second Chapter but this just demanded to be written.

A/N3: Visit the Rossi/Strauss Forum You Give Me Fever and feel free to use any ideals you see posted there in your own fanfic. Or if you want all my stories in one place, he is my profile page: CMGUYSGIRL PROFILE PAGE. Reviews would be greatly appreciated.

A/N4: I am and will always be a Strossi Shipper. If it sounds like in my fic(s) that Erin Strauss is not dead, that is because it is intended to sound that way. In my mind, she is away, hiding until they are sure they have all the bad guys involved with the Replicator and the conspiracy went beyond him, he was really just a small part of what was going on. Rossi and Hotch know she is alive, maybe the whole team does, I am not sure on that part, but they don't know her location to keep her safe as the people who are after her are with the walls of Quantico and maybe the Justice Department and/or on Capital Hill. What do I base this on, well they said in an interview, I read somewhere that when Strauss said over her dead body, she was foreshadowing. Well I remember Rossi uttering a line that went something like, 'They would have to kill Strauss first and I have a feeling, that is not as easy as it looks', so I am hoping he was foreshadowing that her death would be faked. With the 200th being spoiled to have to do with Emily's fake death and I presume Resurrection, and Jayne Atkinson being brought back in to do new scenes (if they were going to just use scenes from the past, they wouldn't have said they were bringing her back in) a girl can hope Strauss is still alive and it won't be long before she is back in Rossi's loving arms.

**Dear Erin, Strange Fruit Has Always Left A Bitter Aftertaste**

Tonight I did something I am not very proud of. This is something, I thought, I would never do.

Things were so different the first time I was with the BAU. When I came back, I found something I hadn't had in a long time, I found a family. When they took me in, with open arms, I swore to myself two things: One, I would protect them with my life and two, I would never lie to them.

I did the second one tonight. I lied to Derek.

Now you may say that, technically, I lied to them by keeping our relationship a secret, but that wasn't a lie as I never denied our relationship, we just kept it private, which the team understands as we all have a right to a personal life - that is separate. No this is different Cara, as I bald face lied to Derek, when he questioned me about something said during an interrogation.

When I was questioning the Unsub, I knew the only way to get a confession out of him was to play to his bitterness about the past. To do that, I had to dredge up an event that I am not to proud of in my past. I knew that part of the team was outside the interrogation room listening in and watching behind the two way glass, but I needed a confession, so I went with what I had. I got my confession, but now I wonder if it was worth it.

You know me, Erin, I have done a lot of things in my life and for the most part, I don't give a rat's rear-end about what other people think. I could have cared less about what the unsub thought. Yes, I told him I had changed; I even told him about owing my life to Sgt. Scott, a black man and that my second wife was a black woman. I didn't tell him these things because - I gave a crap about his opinion, I told him these things as a means to an end: To get him to focus on the hatred, eating away deep inside his guts and talk until he had given me the confession – I needed to put him away.

I got my confession and once again, our Nation's Southern Region's ugly past reared it's head. Once again, a victim, who underwent horrific circumstances through no fault of their own, didn't get the help they needed and the emotional impact, festered and ate away at the person's soul until that person became the victimizer. Did I feel sorry for him when it was all said and done? Yes, and in a way, I even understood. What happened to him was a terrible travesty and all over a lie, but still, that is not a license to kill. And to compound matters, back in that day, no one would have been prosecuted for the crime. But he still didn't have to become a killer. He had a choice and he made a bad one and now he will have a lot of time behind bars to ruminate on that choice and maybe even meditate on what he could have done other than seek revenge. That is his only hope for Parole, once the state gets a conviction.

That being said, I am not sure that, had it been me, I wouldn't have fallen down the same dark path.

What was done to him, I don't know too many real men who would have been able to live through it and not become exceedingly bitter, especially since his castration was all over a lie. I have been thinking about it, I know I shouldn't, I should be trying to let it go, but I can't and being as real as I can with myself, had I been in the same situation, I would probably be the one sitting in that jail cell. I know Vengeance is supposed to be left up to the Lord, but sweetheart, there is only so much a guy can take and still feel like a real man. To be physically emasculated... I just thank God it wasn't me.

If that wasn't enough, I just can't get Derek's voice out of my mind. He really wasn't accusing me, just inquiring, but I felt tried and convicted in my heart, knowing what I had done.

How is it, that I was able to be more honest, with a guy I don't even know, a killer, than a man I have worked with for over five years and who I love like a son? I knew he was outside of the interrogation room, listening with Hotch, JJ and Cruz, but I didn't take into account, at the time, how he would feel about finding out that a person he trusted, whom he considers one of the good guys, had a skeleton like this in his closet.

Derek doesn't trust a lot of people, especially men. After losing his father at such an early age, he hasn't really had a lot of good guys in his life. And now I fear, I have shortened his list by one more. Oh he may say that nothing has changed, but, what if this makes him doubt that I really have his back in the field? What if this makes him look at everything I say to him, from now on, with skepticism?

I know he already thinks I favor Hotch over him. It's not true, though. Yes, I seek out Hotch first in most cases. A large part of that is due to the fact that I trained Hotch, but, also since Hotch has been doing this longer, I sort of look at him as the oldest kid, and it is the oldest that you put the most responsibility on.

Somehow, I have to fix this. I don't know how, but I have to do everything in my power to find a way.

You don't know how much I wish you were here right now. I know I could talk to you about this and you would be brutally honest with me, but you would also lead me to working out a solution that would begin to heal this chasm I feel I have created between Derek and myself.

Maybe I am being silly and am making something out of nothing. Maybe Derek doesn't see me any differently. Maybe he understands that I was just doing what I thought I had to do to survive in that moment so the bigger boys didn't do what they were doing to that kid, to me.

If you were here right this moment, would you tell me that I am making a mountain out of a molehill and that if Derek had an issue with me, he would have no problem letting me know, very vocally, and in no uncertain terms?

What would be your advice my love? Would you tell me if I am so worried about it to sit Derek, heck the whole team down and talk about it, openly and honestly and then I would know if there was any bad blood there? Would you tell me that this team has become my family over the years and that they wouldn't hold my past against me as they know that everyone makes mistakes; that everyone has something, they feel is shameful in their past, whether it's truly their fault or not, but when you are a family, you love each other and forgive?

I can almost hear your voice saying...

"David you know it's true. Your team has a tremendous capacity for forgiveness. After all, they forgave me. Not only did they forgive me, but they also helped support me through one of the darkest times in my life, never once belittling me or rubbing my addiction or past sins in my face".

"As for Derek, he has one of the biggest hearts, you will ever encounter. When I tried to thank him for saving my life, he wouldn't hear of it; He tried to pass it off as no big deal; He even told me that you guys were glad to have me back. I laughed as I thought he was just being polite, but you know what? Your teams actions at JJ's wedding, proved to me how forgiving and accepting they really are. I couldn't have remained aloof and standoffish if I tried. They just weren't having it. If it wasn't one of the men on the team, insisting I dance with them... how did Derek put it, come on, you look like you can shake a mean tail-feather then it was, Penelope's I don't see a ring on that finger sister, so get over here and try to catch this bouquet with the rest of us single gals, unless you would rather talk about what happened to your shoes right now? And who knows, Rossi might be shopping for wife number four or JJ genuinely hugging me and thanking me effusively for helping you plan such a beautiful wedding for her".

"David your team has created a unique family, that has so much love and compassion for each other, that you have become so much closer than a lot of people who are blood related. I didn't understand it for the longest time and I almost made the biggest mistake of my professional career and broke up the team. They will be there for you David, just like you all were there for Aaron when he lost Haley. I can feel that deep in my bones. Trust them, they won't let you down and trust yourself, you haven't let them down. I wish I could be there with you right now, but I can't. Remember I love you and that even though I am not with you physically, you will always be in my heart and as long as you keep me in your heart, you will never be alone, my love"...

Yeah Cara, I can almost hear your voice saying these things to me. Fate is a harsh taskmaster. It waited until we finally got everything right, to come along and take you away from me... I just miss you so much.

David Rossi stood up from his desk and closed the journal. He ran his hand over the Leather cover one final time and whispered to the atmosphere, "I love you, Erin Strauss". He then walked over to the door and flipped off the light switch.

The Journal would remain in that spot, keeping his deepest thoughts, feelings and words of love for the woman who would hold his heart throughout eternity, until once again he felt the need to sit down, open it and start a new entry, 'Dear Erin'.

The End

CMGUYSGIRL


End file.
